Reliving the Past

It’s 3:30 in the morning and as usual I can’t sleep.  When am I going to stop thinking about my past ? I want to be able to live life now! So many sleepless nights. I don’t want to dwell on my life with Steven. All of a sudden I wake up and remember when Steven came over to my home and took all of the awards he had given me off my wall in the living room. He was so out of it, so desperate for his drugs that I knew he didn’t know what he was doing. My husband was an invalid and couldn’t do anything to stop him. The look on Steven’s face is one I don’t think I can ever forget.  I finally stopped him by threatening to call the police on him. The other night I saw the movie ‘Jungle Fever’ on TV and there was this scene in the movie where the drug addict’s son waited for his father to leave the house and then he went into the house to see his mother. That was so familiar to me. I know I’m not the only mother filled with so much pain. I don’t ever think I’m ever going to stop reliving the past but I sure wish I could!            

2 thoughts on “Reliving the Past

  1. I am sorry… I am your ex in a sense, I am the lost husband who went back home to get something to cover my next fix. This hit me late in life, at 33 years of age. Now I am 36 and I have lost all in a material sense. I really do not want to live like that any more. I do not hang around other users, I had previously.. I do know a lot do not want to live that way. It is truly a maddening state. I struggle sleepless nights when I do stay clean and sober too for other reasons. I noticed you read my blog. Reading this entry gives me a prompting from God to wake up yet again. It is hard to see the damage I have caused, but when I see someone else it comes pretty clear what I have done. God bless you. I pray you sleep before I do.

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